(audience applauds; MG-HSH music plays) TGoJS: If you would like tickets to see the Net Match Game - Hollywood Squares Hour in person, send us a self addressed stamped envelope to...
(fade to image of Doug with the six stars) Doug: Thanks very much, ghost of Jay Stewart. BTW, next time we get together, we'll be joined by these stars. (cue to tape of images of semi-regulars for HS' top row) TGoJS: Chico Alexander... (audience applause) Jason Antoniewicz and Dana Epstein. (fade back to Doug with the panel) Doug: They'll join Jay and me plus our classic net game hosts as we resume our "Where Are They Now?" special. Ryan: But before we leave you for now, we want to look back at some of the great moments from the last three years of NMG-HSH. Enjoy ("best of" tape rolls) ====================================================================== Doug: Batman said to Robin the Boy Wonder, "Robin, unfortunately we have to sell the Batcave. It gets worse. The << BLANK >> is the first to go." Randy Amasia: Their humongous BAT POLES (audience laughs) Doug: Eh, even with the pronoun, I think that's a match. (ding; audience applause) There ya go. ====================================================================== Ryan: Since Doug is the last square, we will go to him. Doug: Thought ya'll could avoid me. :) (audience laughs) Ryan: Doug, Which came first? Digital cellular phone service -- or viagra? Doug: Umm... now I'm wishing ya'll *had* avoided me all along. (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Doug: Can you believe they actually changed the Arkansas state quarters? Now, on the back, there's a picture of Bill Clinton and the caption reads, "The << BLANK >> State". (later) Jay: Maybe Bubba moved Arkansas closer to Missouri making it The < CENSORED > Me State". (buzz) (just about everyone in the studio loses it) ====================================================================== Ryan: Jay Lewis, Star of Net Price is Right, Here is your question: What hotel did Lassie usually check in at when visiting New York? Jay: The one with complimentary flea dip? (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Doug: I have a TV Guide listing. Thursday night, CBS, "Survivor: Australian Outback". The tribe members down under are going one better than their counterparts from Pulau Tiga. Instead of eating rats and larvae, these folks are eating << BLANK >>. (later) Frank: OW! Tom Hornikel: That's RIGHT, Frank. I'd say they're eating "Each other". Frank: DOUBLE OW! (buzz) (audience laughs and applauds) (later) Mystic Girl: I know "Survivor," and it seems that some people are getting ticked off with, well, you know...one person. Instead of eating rats or larvae, I said that they're eating "Jerri". (buzz) (Jerry Depew looks borderline perplexed) Jerry: That's with an 'I', right? (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Doug, True or false: The original title of "West Side Story" was "East Side Story". Doug: "East Side Story", eh? Yeah, at first the main characters *were* named George and Weezie. (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: And to perform Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death" to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas", please welcome the Net Match Game - Hollywood Squares Hour Lone Star State Chorus. NMG-HSH LSSC: (assemble before microphones; sing a cappella) Because I could not stop for Death - He kindly stopped for me - The Carriage held but just Ourselves - And Immortality. We slowly drove - He knew no haste And I had put away My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility - (audience cheers) (time's up sfx) ====================================================================== Ryan Morris: (reading from a MG question) "I had a team of Net Hot Potato 2000 challengers that was SOOO dumb..." (points to audience) Everyone else in unison: HOW DUMB WERE THEY?!?!? Ryan: "...they actually thought they were trying to win << BLANK >> instead of cyber-cash." (later) Ryan: (turns to the crowd) You people in the audience did your part so well that I am going to take you all out for some..... +------------+ | Steak & | | Baked | | Potatoes | +------------+ (buzz) (audience cheers) Doug: Hey Ryan, we may have to talk to the VBS promotions department -- but I think they can spring for gift certificates to *Ryan's* Steakhouse. ====================================================================== Doug: I have a TV Guide listing. Monday night, NBC, "Fear Factor". One of the challenges is being locked in a room for four hours with a person -- none other than << BLANK >>. (later) Dean Scungio: Who *wouldn't* I want to be locked in a room with for four hours? Probably this guy... +--------+ | CARROT | | TOP | +--------+ (buzz) Dean: 1-800-C-A-L-L-4-H-E-L-P! (tosses card) (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Justin, What would be the result if you dialed the phone number 202-456-1414? Justin A. Lollie: You'd reach Babs LaRue, call girl to Washington's elite. (Laughter) ====================================================================== Haley Fox: "It's really hard living in the Matrix. I take the subway to work, and every day, I have to dodge << BLANKS >>." (later) Jay: I did see the Matrix and you have to dodge *flips card over in that slow-motion ripple effect* *everything freezes as the camera whips around Jay 360 degrees* +---------+ | | | BULLETS | +---------+ bullets, Doug. (ding; audience applause) Doug: Now *there's* a match. I wonder where we got the money to fund all that special effects wizardry. ====================================================================== Ryan: Jay, Maude Wood Park was the first to do this. Do what? Jay: Maude Wood Park? Sounds like an indecent exposure charge waiting to happen! (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Jason, According to USA Today, how many women out of 10 surveyed say they flirt with their co-workers? Jason Antoniewicz: Well, at USA Today I'm sure the workers are too busy drawing their graphs and charts to flirt at all. (laughter) Y'know, this is reminding me of a "Card Sharks" question. Where's the 10 women? I want to flirt with them! (More laughter) But since this is sort of a "Card Sharks" question... I'll give me response as such. *clears throat* I think most women wouldn't be doing the flirting. I'm going to say...around five. (sticks card in slot to activate bell) Ryan: Ok, Eddie, Higher or Lower? I'm mean... (laughter) Agree or Disagree? Eddie Timanus: Well, the women at USA Today aren't flirting with me. Well, ok, maybe occasionally. I'll disagree. Ryan: The number of the women who said they flirt with their co-workers is.... (ding) Ryan: Seven! Circle gets the square. (audience laughs and applauds) ====================================================================== Doug: Mrs. Thornside, the new teacher at the school, is so mean -- when one of her students got out of line the other day, she didn't send him to time-out or detention. She sent him to << BLANK >>. (later) Jay: She sent him to.............. +-------+ | THE | | CHAIR | +-------+ (buzz) Jay: Doug, you can NOT BE SERIOUS! (Jay throws a bunch of cards in the air and hurls another fistful at Doug. Jay storms off the set, still throwing cards. He runs back on set, rips his name plate off of his display and throws it at the judges table then walks back off the set.) (audience laughs and applauds) Doug: Jay McEnroe, ladies and gentleman. (more laughs) Sheesh, all this money we spent on new stuff for the set and now we gotta make repairs. (more laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Travis, is there a US city with the zip code 12345? Travis Eberle: So *that's* where my mail has been going! (laughter) ====================================================================== Ryan: Robert, You've just received a medal depicting three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders. What medal did you win? Robert Rosko: A medal for the San Francisco Triathlon. (laughter) ====================================================================== Ryan: Doug, Sir Barton was the first to do this. Do what? Doug: Sir Barton was the first... to do... Mrs. Barton during the honeymoon! (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Jerry, True or false: In 1771, Sir William Herschel discovered Pluto. Jerry Depew: Yep, but those damn Disney folk swindled him out of a bundle, too. (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Doug, In 1922, Baltimore radio station WEAR was the first to broadcast this. What? Doug: The F-word. And then they were forced to sign off the next day. (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Ryan: Tom, According to Maxim magazine, what's the worst movie of all time? Tom: "The Sabbatelli Family Reunion Tapes." Oh, it was awful... (laugter) ====================================================================== Ryan: Dana, When we do this, we use as many as 17 muscles. What? Dana Epstein: OVERLOAD!! Too many answers are streaming through my mind... (Laughter) ====================================================================== Ryan: Tom, Ellen Church was the first woman to do something. What did she do? Tom Sabbatelli: Turn me down for a date, and boy, was she sorry! (laughter) ====================================================================== Ryan: Stuff magazine reports this is the grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US. What? Chico Alexander: Being caught with your cousin, I would've thought... (laughter) ====================================================================== (montage of Doug's "Hour" jokes) Doug: And welcome back to the Net Love Connection - Change of Heart Hour. (audience laughs) (wipe to another clip) Doug: We're back on the Net Card Sharks - Shoppers' Casino Hour. (audience laughs) (wipe to another clip) Doug: Welcome back to the Net Hot Potato - Ready Set Cook Hour. (wipe to another clip) Doug: Welcome back to the Net Shop Til You Drop - Mall Masters Hour. (audience laughs) (wipe to another clip) Doug: And welcome back to the Net Gong Show - Star Search Hour And A Half. (audience laughs) (wipe to another clip) Doug: And we're back with more of the Net Break The Bank - Pop 'n' Rocker Game Hour. (audience laughs and applauds) (wipe to another clip) Doug: Welcome back to the Net Three's A Crowd - Divorce Court Hour. Frank: DOUBLE OW! (audience laughs) Doug: Hey, think about it -- a logical progression over 60 sim-minutes. Frank: (ponders Doug's thought) RIGHT! (audience laughs) ====================================================================== Greg Diener: Let's see if History repeats itself, Jay please Doug: Well it will repeat if there's a 30. But, does he have the 50? Jay, do the honors please. (Jay crosses fingers and pulls the tab; revealing a 50) (ding) (audience goes doubly wild) Doug: Well well well. Greg, not only are you the first to play the super match under this new format, you're the first to actually play for... (ding) ...CY$50,000! (audience cheers) (later) Doug: << BLANK >> Check. That's C-H-E-C-K. << BLANK >> Check. (MG '76 Super Match think music plays) (Jay writes down answer; inserts card in slot) (ding) Doug: And Jay's ready. Greg, for CY$50,000 more, how do you fill in that blank? << BLANK >> Check. Greg: Blank Check, Doug Doug: Yes, that's the question. << BLANK >> Check. (audience laughs) Greg: Blank Check, Doug! Doug: Oh, you're filling in the << BLANK >> with the word "Blank". I get it, now. (audience laughs and applauds) I remember the original MG-HSH series had "Mel << BLANK >>" and the winning answer was Mel Blanc, as in the voice of Bugs Bunny and several other characters. Jay, I dare say if you left your answer "Blank", Greg gets another check for 50-grand. So, Jay, for fifty- thousand cyber- dollars and total winnings in this episode alone of one- hundred- fourteen- grand what did you say? Jay: Doug, I'm going with my first instinct. It's what I cut for 'NPiR and 'NMG every episode... +-------+ | BLANK | +-------+ (audience cheers; sirens; slot machine payoff sfx; MG-HSH win music plays) (balloons and confetti fall; MG-HSH underscore plays) (Greg jumps around the studio, hugging Doug as the stars and crowd give him a standing O; Greg then shakes hands with everyone on the panel except Mystic Girl; they kiss; Greg runs back to Doug) Doug: Hey, Greg, do you think you get a little more excited next time? (audience laughs) ====================================================================== ("best of" clip ends as the audience cheers and director fades back to Ryan and Doug center stage along with the NMG-HSH crew, current episode stars and all semi-regulars) Ryan: And that's just a sampling of the fun we've had on this show. Doug: And there will be much more as we continue our "Where Are They Now?" show. For Ryan, all our stars and all these folks whose names you're about to see, I'm Doug Morris saying don't miss out on any moment in NMG-HSH -- or else, you're << BLANKED >>! Everyone else on stage in unison: WE AGREE!!!!!!!! (audience applause) (credits roll)BACK FROM BREAK -- HERE'S HS
